Updated: Apr 16
I can't keep my mouth shut about this...
The other night when I couldn't fall asleep I started scrolling IG and an ad popped up for a fitness influencer with 125k followers. One of her posts caught my eye because it was just so unreal:
She talks about spending Valentine's Day crying it out in relationship counseling, and gives details about how hard they fight.
"If we ever stop fighting passionately I should be worried...but we are on a mission to do it more responsibly in order to prevent more holes in our drywall. Thank you for driving me crazy in all the best triggering ways and for bringing out my control issues..." she writes.
I'm not here to tell anyone what to do or how to live their life. As far as I'm concerned, as long as you're not hurting anyone you should do whatever makes you happy. It's your life!
BUT what I do have a huge problem with is people glorifying toxic relationships on social media (especially when you have a large following). She goes on in her post to say this behavior in a relationship is normal (it's not), and everyone applauds her for being so vulnerable and real.
Obviously we all know that IG and FB tend to be a person's ultimate highlight reel, and it's easy to form a conclusion that a person's life is nothing but roses - which of course is never actually the case. But the new model for social media success has become airing out all your dirty laundry so you appear vulnerable, real, and authentic - therefore making you relatable to the general public and in turn creates a loyal base of followers.
But I'm here to say STOP THAT SHIT.
As someone that suffered severe physical and emotional abuse for nearly a decade, there's absolutely NOTHING cute or sexy or inspiring about your significant other punching holes in walls, triggering your deepest emotional insecurities, trying to control you, or making you feel like you're the crazy one.
And if your S.O. engages in this behavior HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU.
Trust me, I endured this life for far too long. I held on for the kids because I didn't want them to not have a father. I held on out of fear because I was intimidated and threatened constantly. I held on because I didn't know it would just continue to get worse and worse. I held on because I thought he would change eventually.
Woman to woman, once you become woke you will realize all the red flags you turned a blind eye to.
Punching holes in walls and breaking things is NOT ok.
Putting you down or disrespecting you is NOT ok.
Laying a hand on you is NOT ok.
Disappearing is NOT ok.
Making you feel like the crazy one is NOT ok.
Cheating is NOT ok.
Making excuses is NOT ok.
Not respecting your boundaries is NOT ok.
Making you feel unwanted/ jealous/inferior is NOT ok.
Acting shady is NOT ok.
Cutting you off from your friends & family is NOT ok.
Making you cry is NOT ok.
Lying to you is NOT ok.
Hurting you in ANY way is NOT ok.
Of course, no relationship is perfect and every relationship requires work on BOTH ends. Mike and I are coming up on our one year anniversary. The honeymoon phase is over. We've had to face a shit ton of real life obstacles and I've never once doubted him through it all. We've faced everything that came our way as a united front, and he ALWAYS lifted me up and came through when I needed him. Every. Single. Time.
He has never once made me cry.
He's never raised his voice or yelled at me.
He's never made me feel insecure.
He never lets me fall asleep making me feel like I'm not wanted.
He doesn't do anything that makes me doubt him.
He would never do anything to jeopardize my faith, trust, or love for him.
He would NEVER hurt me.
My kids are his kids. They are treated as if they are all his own.
I am NEVER afraid to tell him what I think and how I feel.
He always listens and considers my feelings.
He upholds his promises.
He makes me feel like I'm the only woman that matters.
I always feel loved, cared for, and protected.
He inspires and motivates me to be the best version of myself.
...And the walls in the house have all remained perfectly intact (imagine that!).
What I respect most is that he continues to work on himself daily. He knows he can always improve and grow. And it's something that we both take pride in and really enjoy doing both separately and together. GROWTH is essential.
And listen ladies, let's be real - sometimes y'all are the crazy ones. If that's you, then it's time to woman up and deal with your shit. All the drama, the ups and downs, and constant fighting is a cycle that you need to step away from. That is NOT love - you are chasing the high you get once you make up after the intense low of the fight drags you down into the deep abyss. And you get stuck riding the never ending crazy train in hopes to regain the "passion" that you've become addicted to. You're fooled into thinking this is love, but it's actually extremely toxic behavior that will never make you truly happy or feel fulfilled.
If any of this sounds familiar and BOTH of you are willing to put in the required work, and the respect is there, and you are BOTH truly committed to the relationship...Ok then go for it.
But maybe it's also time to really take a hard look at yourself and face the fact that you're likely attracting the wrong people because you need to stop and put work into YOURSELF. In that case, please don't be scared to be alone and work on YOU until you're ready. Do the work that needs to be done in order to feel whole and complete by yourself. So you can be better and then in turn you'll attract better.
Trust me, I had no idea love could be so genuine, freeing, fulfilling, and stress free until I met Mike. Your partner should reduce your problems, not add to them. It's not your responsibility or burden to fix broken men. And it's not theirs to fix you either. You don't owe anyone anything - especially if they're hurting you.
Once I finally freed myself of toxic people and their toxic behavior, I took a long time to just be me (all by myself). I worked really hard doing what made ME happy. Truth be told I had actually forgotten how to do that because I had been so caught up in trying to make someone else happy for so long that I had lost myself a long time ago. I also decided to get comfortable being alone. It's easier said than done, but every day I worked at it I got better.
And then when I least expected it, I had my very own love story. I met the most amazing man in the Target toy aisle buying the same toys for his 6 year old daughter that I was buying for mine.
I never knew love could be so comforting, so easy, and so effortless. It added value to my life rather than detracting from it. It made me feel like I was glowing from within, rather than dying a slow death inside. It made me feel safe and authentically happy - rather than "forced happy" on borrowed time, never knowing when the ticking time bomb will go off and end it all. Our love gives me hope for the future. And an infinite opportunity for growth.
At the end of the day, you can feel in your heart and gut when something is off. Healthy relationships lift you up and help you thrive, not hold you back and keep you down. I knew none of what I went through was what I deserved, and I nearly lost my life many times during the countless episodes of uncontrollable rage and anger. I have scars on my face that remind me everyday of the abuse I endured. I'm not writing this to get you to buy my programs or become a client. Just please wake up and stop falling into the traps set up by social media "influencers". You're just click bait to them. I'm not a therapist or a relationship expert or someone trying to gain followers by "being real". The way I see it, if what I went through can serve as a wake up call to other women then I better speak up. If I can teach one woman the difference between what love is and what love isn't, and save her from all the pain and suffering I went through - then I'm absolutely obligated to.
Set your standards higher. Don't settle for less. You deserve it all babe. Go get it.
PS...sometimes it feels like no one will understand. I get it, feel free to reach out to me. No judgment at all.